Why umbrellas are selfish

As I said in this post, I love rain. So it's understandable that I'm naturally against umbrellas and haven't used one in 5 years. But I do feel that there is more of a reason to dislike umbrellas than the fact that they block the rain: Umbrellas are one of the more selfish inventions to have been created.


Think about the last time it really rained (for me, I can basically pick any day... English weather!). Now think more specifically about the number of umbrellas and how many people were under each umbrella. Most umbrellas only cover one person, maybe two or three if you're with your friends and you all bunch up under it. But if you use an umbrella, you're basically saying, 'Well, you're an idiot for not being better prepared (which may well be true...) but this is MY dry zone. Go somewhere else to get wet.'. Which is understandable perhaps, but still seems a little selfish.

But even though umbrellas only effectively protects one person, they still take up a lot of room with their cover (which kinda seems like a contradiction at first). Instead of having a relatively flat shape of a person (assuming they aren't obese), the umbrella juts out so people take up more space. If that didn't make any sense (which it probably didn't :/) here is a convenient diagram I drew specially!

As you can see, umbrellas increase the area needed per person drastically, especially when you consider that umbrellas are not held far above any crowds, but at head height.

Also seen in the diagrams are the side spikes. At head height those things are lethal. Ignorant umbrella holders squeeze past you and you get a spike in the ear, eye, face. If you're unluckily tall, or the umbrella holder is short, you can get one of those plastic rods to the throat which is actually quite painful and possibly even dangerous. And let's not forget the main metal spike. It can be deadly! (Okay, the scenario of being poisoned by an umbrella dart is unlikely for most of us, and the use of an umbrella as a weapon isn't certain but still!) Seriously though, those things hurt, especially when in a crowded place and someone scraps it up your leg, or hits you with it in the abdomen when someone lowers it.

Sometimes though, the selfishness isn't the fault of the umbrellas design or an accidental swipe by a careless owner. When people put the umbrella away, some people feel the need to shake it off like a wet dog whilst still in a public place, which is at best stupid and inconsiderate. What do they think happens to the water drops?! They don't magically evapourate as soon as they leave the fabric. They carry on and splatter all the innocent bystanders who really don't need more water sprayed at them.

In summary, umbrellas are a selfish invention because they only aid one person but make life much more difficult/painful for everyone else. Here are some alternatives:

- Wear waterproofs. Just be careful where you leave them/what you lean on unless you want to leave wet patches in your path

- Hold something small over your head that is waterproof like a bag. Less likely to stab people with that!

- Man up! It's only water and your skin is waterproof. You probably won't shrink much anyway.