So I got a new game this week - Resident Evil (as you might have guessed from the title...). It's the first third person shooter/survival horror game I've attempted playing before, but hey, how hard can it be?
Turns out, if you're as incompetent as I am, pretty hard.
To begin with the game asked me if I preferred 'Mountain Climbing' or 'Hiking'. I kinda guessed it was an abstract way of asking which difficulty I wanted (that, or I was playing a very weird version of Wii Sports) so I picked Hiking because it sounded easier. I was going to need easier. Then came character selection! I picked Jill solely because I'd heard that she gets to use lockpicks. And lockpicks are cool.
The game started, there was a whole load of little movie parts, leading with Jill and two other characters racing into a mansion chased by a pack of dogs (this knowledge would have come in handy later...). Wesker, one of the other guys, suggests we split up (BAD IDEA) to look for Chris who kinda disappeared. Another movie cutscene later and the actual game bit starts. It takes me a good half minute to notice this, because I was waiting for the viewpoint to switch to 1st person. Great start. I then spent 5 minutes basically ramming my character into the end of a table because I couldn't work out the whole 'turning' thing. She could go forwards and that's it. Eventually, I manoeuvred her around the table and she ran off camera. Then the camera switched and I was so confused, I ran her off screen again and the viewpoint switched and I got her stuck by the table AGAIN. This third-person thing will take a lot of getting used to. Finally, I made it past the treacherous table edge and she weaved her way to the other side of the hall and ramming into every other object, like a drunk. An even better start.
After several minutes of hitting things and examining things, and me accidentally shooting things, I reached the other guy, Barry, at the end of the very long table. Another cutscene then I continue my run around the table (because I kind of worked out running! It's like walking, but faster). I see a typewriter and some ink ribbons. Apparently you need ink ribbons to use the typewriter (which makes sense) and the typewriter saves your progress (that doesn't make sense). However, I read in the manual (Always read the manual. Always.) that there's a limited number of these ribbons so I don't want to save right away. Just knowing I can't save makes me want to save even more. I painfully move Jill away from the typewriter (and into the table edge. Dammit). Having searched the room, I head back to the door next to the pool of blood. Because that door can only lead to good things.
I go through the door. Nothing much happens. The door doesn't attack me so it's all good. I run down a corridor for a bit but all the rooms are locked. I head back to where I started and let Jill stand there, looking confused as I pressed all the buttons, hoping something would happen. I managed to bring up a map which told me there was an entire room behind me that I hadn't seen because the camera angle made me think it was a wall. Stupid third person -.- Anyway, into the room she goes...
Another cutscene and SURPRISE! First zombie of the game! And, judging by the person it's been eating, it's pretty hungry too. It shambles towards me as the cutscene ends and I regain control. I mash the attack button and Jill lunges towards the thing that's trying to eat her, swipes at it with her knife and still misses. At this point I had a slight 'Oh [grawlix]' moment when I remembered I'd changed to the knife so I didn't shoot everything and use all my ammo back when I was running into the table. I tried to run away but I still don't know the controls well enough. I tried to switch back to the pistol but I opened the map instead. Not helpful. During this faffing, the zombie has gotten close enough that I manage to hit it. Success! ...Except it keeps coming, grabs a hold of Jill and starts eating her, which I guess isn't great for her health. I press all the buttons desperately but she just stands there and gets eaten. She does eventually shove the zombie onto the floor and I use my amazing knife aiming skills to stab it a couple of times whilst it's down there. Zombies are apparently tougher than I give them credit for, because it just stood up again and proceeded to eat me. Again. Next time it fell to the floor, I managed to open the inventory and started shooting at it as fast as the game would let me. But this zombie was tougher than a few bullets (especially as I think I might have missed somehow) and stood up and once again started to eat Jill. Turns out Jill is not as tough as the zombie is because after the third eating she fell down, not the zombie, and the game informed me 'You Are Dead'. Which I could have guessed, what with the zombie eating my face and all.
First freakin' zombie and I was dead. I seriously hope there is never a real zombie apocalypse, 'cos I would not last long.
Oh, and to rub it in, I had to restart from the beginning. The very beginning, questions, cutscenes and all, because I didn't even manage to save before I died. Whoops :/
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